1 Question.

End of Myself.

"Can You be the Light I need to-...soul search?"
 -SJP

I am at the end of myself. I have nothing left.

 

So broken.

-©D

Honest to God " 'Cause honest to God I....." So what happens when you're angry at God? And you piled so many other emotions and layers of stuff so you would refuse to acknowledge it?  You have been dishonest about it to Him and others, totally falsifying your relationship with Him. So God takes you through so many experiences, just so you can realize that you've been that angry at Him all these years so you can talk to Him about it. What do you do now? Do you have to forgive God? Even after you have said the "I'm sorry's", what do you do now? You know you don't want to feel this way, and you definately know you love Him. But where do you go from here? The image of God you had all this time was a false one. Did you ever know God? Did you ever know who He really is? What He is really capable of doing? How He can really work in your life? How faithful He really is? Did you ever know Him, knowing all that you did to keep your self away? To evade the truth you did not want to admit to Him? Did you ever know God? Did I ever know God? -©D

Consecration Notes These are some notes that I wrote for my sorority sisters when we fasted and consecrated to God this Wednesday (Yeah since we are a Christian sorority, we do stuff like that). I just wanted to share this with you all. I pray this blesses your heart. --- Greetings Ladies, I was asked by our Director of Ministries to expound on today's consecration theme "selfishness". I pray this helps you as you all focus on the King of Glory today. Walk with the King today & be a blessing. :) --- Selfishness vs Surrender Selfishness says: "God, I am going to this my way, at my time, how ever I want to. It doesn't matter how messed up my life is at this point, or how much better my life would be if I obey you. God I just don't understand it, and I don't like it, so I am not doing it. So there God!" And we run to our own devices, trying to figure out our own lives, because for some strange reason our finite minds seem to believe that our ideology is actually better than Gods. We probe and prod our issues with our own fixed inventions--inevitably, we realize that it does not work! But because of our rebellious selfish nature, we continue anyway. Hoping that one day that our ineffective method will actually work, but sisters that is actually the definition of insanity; doing the same thing over and over in order to expect different results. I have been here for several months ladies. For the past six months God was telling me to get on the floor and pray. Just lay there and talk to Him. "How absurd", I thought. "You God, are Omniscient, Omnipotent, and Omnipresent. What is the difference between the bed and the floor? You can meet me right here in my warm, comfortable bed." So I resisted, for six months although I needed Him desperately. My health was failing, my finances were failing, people around me were failing, life was just one big epic fail. However, I believed that miraculously my defunct method would actually work and that one day my fifteen second prayer on my comfortable bed would actually produce a life changing experience with God. Yeah right. So, it took six months of life threatening, catestrophic events in my life to say..."Hmmm. Maybe I will lay on the floor tonight and pray." I spoke with the DOM prior to my decision to obey (finally), and she said she wanted me to expound on the theme of selfishness. It hit right home, and gave me confirmation. How selfish (and rebellious) I was for six months toward God, for the simplest request. I cared about my physical comfort at night, I liked being lazy, and I liked laying on my soft bed. Never mind that it would increase my relationship with God. My flesh was being satisfied. That is what mattered. Tonight, I laid out on the floor. Despite the excuses about the floor, the clutter on it, how late it was, etc. I doubted that God would even meet me on my clothing and paper cluttered carpet. I figured that life isn't getting any better, so might as well give it a try. I turned off the lights, laid on the ground. I felt kind of silly doing it, and I could hear doubt and fear mocking my gesture, saying nothing will happen. Immediately, the presence of God met me on the floor and I began to cry softly as I sang a part of Third Day's song (Christian Rock Group) 'God of Wonders'. I could not think of anything else about how good He was, and how He is just absolutely worthy of the praise. "Wow Jesus, you really met me here", I thought, surprised. I was so ashamed that I fought so long with God over something so stupid. If I had obey and surrendered to His will sooner, I am positive that the struggles I am currently going through would not be as burdensome. Surrender says: "God, I am going to do this Your way, anytime You want me to, however You want me to. It doesn't matter if it makes sense or not God. I believe in You and Your sovereignty. I realize by obeying You my life will be enhanced, although I do not understand I trust You and I will do it. Have Your way God." Remember, sometimes God asks us to do the most simple, ordinary, and maybe even obscure things like speaking to the random person on the train, or hugging a coworker, or writing a thank you note to a friend. It may not make the most sense to you, but obey. He thinks good thoughts toward you, its better than sacrifice, and it preserves you from additional struggles that come by rebelling. "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV) God thinks good thoughts about us sisters, and the things He requires us to do is only to strengthen our characters, bring us closer to Him, and open the gateway for increase in blessings. Never mind it may be hard or unorthodox. Obeying is only helping us in the long run. "Samuel said, Has the Lord as great a delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams." 1 Samuel 15:22 (Amplified) Although I was still praying, I wasn't doing it the way God asked me to. He's not as interested in the works or the "burnt offerings and sacrifices" as much as He is in your absolute surrender. To obey Him (or hearken) is better then wealth (fat of rams or a heard of cows) itself. "And that servant, which knew his lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes." Luke 12:47 (KJV) Lastly, I need to issue you all a warning. We are servants of the King, are expected to obey. When we do not prepare to obey, or decide not to obey flat out, we are opening ourselves for punishment from God. That does not necessarily mean that God is going to allow massive disarray into your life. For example, in my life, the stress and the doubt that I have experienced in my life could have been lessened or completely eradicated if I had obeyed. By not obeying and being rebellious, God could not act on my behalf (the actual punishment), and it made it easier for the enemy to attack me the way he did. Make sure you close every opening through obedience in effort to over come the enemy's devices for your life. We must make sure he is defeated at all times. Praise God for deliverance! This is what God wanted me to say to you all. I pray that it blessed and encouraged you. [Insert Real Name Here] Public Relations Manager Alpha Nu Omega Sorority, Incorporated. Empire State Region Alumni DS DaySpring - #1ESRSU07 - Jewel -©D

Recent Randoms - I know I haven't updated since my grandmother's passing. Man. So here's a bunch of randoms until I feel really emo and want a place to vent. - Going to the beach at night is frickin' awesome. (LOL) No seriously. It's so much cooler, and so beautiful. I recommend it. I plan to do that a lot this summer. - I prayed for a work out partner, and up out of no where my best friend relocates to New York for a brief period of time. Super! I love Colletta, and I can't wait to work out with her and introduce her to my sorors and etc. Seeing her is a breath of fresh air. It just feels good to see your best friend after not seeing her for five months and then a year prior. - My mother turned 50 this Sunday. She doesn't look it, and I'm not surprised. I still don't look 26, or even 25. I am hoping the youthfulness continues to show out when I get where she is. - Still on the job hunt. It's retarded how everyone around me is getting hired and rehired with the quickness.  I mean I am very happy for them, but...Ugh, it's really frustrating that I have been unemployed for almost a year (not counting the rat job) and still haven't been hired. - My best friend is here, and that makes it a whole lot better to deal. I need to reiterate that. It's okay that I have to dodge bullets (kidding?) when seeing her in Brownsville, Brooklyn, but I am happy to do it. - I have to get to praying. I mean more intensely. Life is intense right now, and I am lacking motivation. I need God to help me. - Brown is doing well, and still loving me -- praise God. - I don't know but God is still good. I can tell you this much, I have been unemployed all this time, and never had to cut my uber expensive phone (and bill) off. Never. God is awesome like that. That little miracle keeps me going. It reminds me that God is still looking out and taking care of me. - My room isn't so bad anymore. Just have a pile of stuff from sheer laziness. - Okay, I don't know what the crap happened to my glasses. I gotta stop doing this.... - Maybe I have to improve on how I interview, or something.... - I just made a flyer for Joe's radio show. Here it is: - Goals for the summer entail: Losing 25 lbs. Reading 15 books. (I used to read five in a week) Getting this license. (I did really well driving on the highway two days ago) Getting my passport. Getting a good job. So yeah, I think I am going to turn in at this point. I may just put up an ad on craigslist advertising flyers and resumes and see how that goes. -©D

I know I have to stop doing these. For whatever reason, I don't have the zeal to write, and maybe I feel that if I open up more and more blog sites (which I have done) it would inspire me to write, to reach out the the community, to spill my feelings out unto the weblog. But lately, I have had as much inspiration as much as a pig has perspiration. Forreal.
Nada, zero, zilch.

Here are the dabblings that I dribbled on xanga for the past month or so. I hope they are enjoyable.

Love you all.

PS Tee is the only one who responds to me on this thing anyway. That sucks major, and is probably the reason why I don't come here as often.

---

Finally. I changed my layout entirely. Take a look, let me know what you think. It reflects where I am right now, and what I truly desire. I need a visitation from the true DaySpring, I need a refreshing from the Father. I need to be revived. Sometimes, I feel dead inside. Other times, I feel weak, fake, broken. I...have come to the severe realization that I really can't do this on my own, not even if I tried with all my might. Which of course, I am actually doing. The world about me is crashing. It seems like the foundation that I built wasn't soild...Rock, that is. I am slowly learning some of the things God has been trying to get me to learn for the past maybe 10 years. Man, I'm hard headed. Side Bar: Being tested for cancer isn't a walk in the park. I have been in PAIN for the past two days. These doctors I tell you. They must find my collection of physical inadequacies so amusing. IBS decided to join hands with the pain from the test and terrorize me. Other than church, I have confined myself to my bed. Every time I eat it hurts. A whole freaking lot. The doctors told me that I should get LAP Band surgery, ME of all people. Wrote a referral, signed it and handed it to me. Just like that. Telling me the OTHER condition I have, I won't ever stop gaining weight. That if I ate nothing at all, I would STILL gain weight. They also said try Weight Watchers. Ha. All this and I lose my job! Yeah. I know. I just got it. They could not afford to pay us (or get rid of the rats, turn on the hot water, etc), so they cut two thirds of the staff, me included. On top of that, Unemployment says I have ONE week left of this stuff. It's a wrap. So I am stressed to beans. I need some sort of intervention quick fast in a hurry, or I am going to be in a lot of trouble. I need money. I need health insurance. I need my health. Yeah. Help. After I have worked so hard to try to do this all on my own, I realize I cannot. I can't do anything to help this situation, except trust God and pray. I know He's God, and He didn't bring me this far to leave me. He's said too much to me about myself and my future to bail out and leave me now. It's all a matter of time. Finally. -©D

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Currently Reading Pimsleur Haitian Creole: Learn to Speak and Understand Haitian Creole with Pimsleur Language Programs (Simon & Scuster's Pimsleur) By Pimsleur see related Drawing Board:Early Sketches So here I am again. I was going to write a blog agonizing about how Monday hurt, Tuesday and especially Wednesday hurt. Thursday hurt too, but not so bad. I think Wednesday hurt the most. But, I dunno. It may not help me or my situation as much as it would provide a crutch for my issues. I can say this. My boyfriend (read:future husband) has proved excellent during this time of despair. He has done all he can to help me through this mayhem. Even take me golfing. Yeah, golfing. It was really fun. But the best of all is when he held me and prayed when I was crying too much to even open up my mouth and pray for myself. Awesome. I serve an awesome God. I am falling asleep. NyQull is kicking in and I can barely type. Nite. -©D

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I Need Another Job I realize everyone's life path is different for a reason. I just haven't realized why I have mine. I think I deserve something better. I have been awarded nothing but stress in the past six months. My job has a rat infestation and hasn't done much about it. Although I haven't seen a rat physically, I have heard plenty about it. I swear if I see one I am going home and not coming back. And that isn't the half of what is going on in that zoo. I think I need a new job. Coming home every night after 8 for a measly pay check is definately not the will of God. Ugh. -©D

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Currently Listening This Moment By Steven Curtis Chapman Be Still see related Be Still 2 "Be still and know that He is God Be still and know that He is holy Be still, O restless soul of mine Bow before the Prince of peace Let the noise and clamor cease Be still Be still and know that He is God Be still and know that He is faithful Consider all that he has done Stand in awe and be amazed And know that He will never change Be still Be still and know that he is God Be still and know he is our Father Come rest your head upon his breast Listen to the rhythm of his unfailing heart of love Beating for His little ones Calling each of us to come Be still..."                               - Steven Curtis Chapman Despite how I feel about myself God, you have called me to things greater. Despite the diseases that are trying to attack my body. Despite the words that has been hurled at me. Despite the character flaws. Despite the evil spoken against me, by those who know You. Despite the attacks on my reputation. I am going to hold still. Be still and know who you are. You are God. -©D

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Currently Listening Let Your Glory Fall By Phillips Craig & Dean You Are God Alone see related Be Still "You are God alone From before time began You were on Your throne Your are God alone And right now In the good times and bad You are on Your throne You are God alone"                     - Phillips, Craig, & Dean In times when people are not on your side, and not on my side particularly, and validation is not coming to me the way I want it to...I look to the true validator--God. He's God alone. He is the vindicator. The Person who has the last say. In the end. This is Who He is. God alone. And I am going to rest in that.

-©D

Who's Report According to natural eyes, my body lies in a state of massive deterioration. Natural medication cannot cure it. Natural circumstances says I cannot bear it. That I may be this way forever, and ever, and ever. And ever. And my heart broke when I heard it. The pen hit the paper attached to the folder in my medical file, recording--no reporting that its all over. That my body isn't the way it ought to be. At my age. At all. They are going to run tests they say, try to see what they could possibly do. Do to fix things. Do to fix it, although they know that its unnatural to fix what's irreversible--naturally. Tears ran down my face as my head rested on Joe's hands on the kitchen table last night. He grieved with me after receiving the traumatic news. We'll trust God, he said, positively. Who's report do we believe, naturally? No, supernaturally. Cherece and Colletta (God, I love them) would not let me hear it that way. They were super-imposing upon that natural report--believing supernaturally in SomeOne Else's assesment of my phyiscality. SomeOne Else's inscription on my medical record. SomeOne Else who bore stripes for my healing. My restoration, my redemption. Whose report do you believe La Donna? Whose? I know Who to believe. Who I should believe. Sometimes old-school theology causes me to believe I deserve these results, deserve this report, deserve it because it was served to me as a means of judgement for my ill behavior, that I deserve--naturally. Supernaturally, the power of God ignores these things (these sins, these grave mistakes, these crimes against my body) because of the word forgiveness. It supernaturally washes away these marks against my character, and makes me anew. Brand new. I can't lie and say my heart isn't heavy. It weighs as much as I do, right now--naturally. Super: ace: of the highest quality; "an ace reporter"; "a crack shot"; "a first-rate golfer"; "a super party"; "played top-notch tennis"; "an athlete in ... including more than a specified category; "a super experiment" extremely large; "another super skyscraper" to an extreme degree; "the house was super clean for Mother's visit" Side note: Aces are SUPER. Ha ha, awesome. So God's power is an extreme of the the natural, naturally speaking of course. And I need that extreme, massive, power in my life to overtake this natural report and unnatural circumstances and change them, supernaturally. Who's report, huh? His, of course. Super! Naturally. *sigh* -©D

Unoticed Vindication Jesus, its Resurrection Sunday. Thank You for Your gift of Life, that was shed for the remission of all my sins. Praise You Jesus. Jesus, touch my brain. I have been saying this prayer all last week. One thing I do hate is when other people uninvolved in a situation comment as if they know all the details. Despite things that have been exposed, there are more to situations than meets the eye. I realize the enemy could easily be tapping on my mind because God did a great thing recently. Letting it all go, despite the undiscussed issues, is easier and maybe even healthier--for me. I have to realize more and more everyday that God is my vindicator. He will keep my name clean and my mind in perfect peace as I am stayed on Him. After this ordeal, I believe I am going to dive into a seclusion of sorts. It keeps me from being involved so closely. I have my own wounds that need healing, and I am going to allow that to happen. Although I was ministering, I felt weak and unsure of myself. It seemed as if I am contineously pouring into people, but no one is reaching out to pour into me. So I must retreat into my own recluse (although I remember preaching against recluse last semester) and mend myself. I have so many personal issues that I have to keep to myself, simply because I realize that the majority of people around me cannot help me. I would simply be waisting my breath. Sometimes I wish that people could just discern some of the issues I have and speak to them. I hate to be that person that always has to expose myself so I can get some help. God always telling me somebody else business, like I want to know. Always got me laying hand on or praying with someone so they can recieve their breakthrough. It was one of the reasons I ran from my call in the first place. I understand that I have recieved many a prophecy and a "laying out" at an altar call but sometimes I just want some intimate ministry that I didn't even have to ask for. Like pray for me too, please. Where am I going with this? I dunno. I might be venting or bleeding on yall. Forgive me. Jesus, sorry for making this about me again. Help me to realize that I will not go unnoticed and it is an honor to serve You in the capacity that I do. *sigh* I love you all. -©D

Touch through Me Dealing with the anger and malice and frustration in my heart, I really didn't know what to do. Speaking to my sister on how to deal with it, God brought this song to my heart. Out of no where. The last time I even remember listening to this song, I was practicing it to sing as a solo in church. I don't remember if I did, however. I hope the words penetrate my heart as it does yours. "Touch through me, Holy Spirit, touch through me, Let my hands reach out to others, touch through me; There's a lonely soul somewhere needing just one friend to care, Touch through me, Holy Spirit, touch through me. Love through me, Holy Spirit, love through me, I will be my brother's keeper, love through me; Hearts are bleeding deep inside, love can dry the weeping eye, Love through me, Holy Spirit, love through me. Flow through me, Holy Spirit, flow through me, Like a river in the desert, flow through me; Springing power and healing strength, living water pure and clean, Flow through me, Holy Spirit, flow through me. My hands will be your hands reaching out to others, My lips will not be slothful, Lord, to speak; I will be that good Samaritan to someone else in need, I will be your house to dwell in, live through me. Flow through me, Holy Spirit, flow through me, Holy Spirit, touch through me, Holy Spirit, touch through me." - Barbara Tubbs -©D

Sisters From The Heart (pt 2) "You're my sister--ER from the heart--" I keep hearing the coarse harmony in my head as I picture various "sisters" singing this song. "We're not divided we are united, we're together as One--" "We are sisters--ERS from the hea-r-t--" In this body, the body of Christ that is, many people adorn either this righteous indignation, which they label and bash every other Believer that passes by. Then they have the undeveloped, abrased, or hurt people who operate through simple thinking and judge situations through tainted lenses, and do all sorts of things to hurt others. Then they are people who are sitting on the fence, living like the devil yet proclaiming Jesus is Lord. Everyone seems to be doing something else other than serving God. Following an agenda that is self serving, and problem causing, creating strife in the body. Women especially. Women divide, disunite, multiply, backbite, teardown, instigate, and perpetuate, and YES all of those things are coming from the heart. Their hearts! Women (read:sisters) need to descend from their selfish ways, me included, and stop using situations as a means to satisfy and gratify self. It doesn't glorify God. Two people are bickering, and one tries to help by speaking to the other. The ousider is not welcomed, but put on display--why because the people bickering have found a window to gratify self by crucifying the innocent bystander. Take attention off of addressing the real issue for a moment, while we devour our unsuspecting friend over here for kicks. I, for one am not a fan of friendly fire. I will not allow that sort of thing to occur, and furthermore I will not be privy to be that innocent bystander who gets chewed out for caring. People get so caught up in their situations, or using situations as a means to fuel their personaliy and character flaws (read:gossip, manipulation, backbiting) they don't realize in their rampage they destroy someone else along the way. I realize I can't evade certain situations because God wants to use me to append some issues and heal some hurt, but I won't embrace them either. When you have a sister, its not only from the heart--but the flesh also. If we are connected through the flesh and it is ripped, I will hurt also. As one sister once told me, we don't get to chose our family but we have to love them anyway. And I will, despite themselves. -©D

I measured my waist. It measured 47 inches. According to the size chart I should be a size 22 or a 26 or some really huge size number of clothing. That's seems so crazy to me because that size of clothing would swallow me whole. I could fit two or three of me in a size 20 pants let alone 26. However, when I look in the mirror, I see my waist is so disproportioned to the rest of my body. It's like I have a permanent spare tire or hoola hoop attached to me. For me to fit a size 14, respectfully I need to lose 12 inches. Its doable, not the hardest thing in the world.

I have a feasible goal now, not just to fit in a size 14 again, but the actual measurement now. I have really been lazy since my Soror has been sick and unavailable to work out with me. Slacking on my eating habits and everything. The little weight that I lost, I probably gained it all back eating as badly as I have been. Not necessarily over indulging in fried food, but I have had a lot of bread lately. White bread, grits, etc. Eating late with Joe again. Eating ice cream. I did this in good faith that my soror was going to whip me into shape each week. Nope, she was sick ( :( ), and has been unable to help me. So much for motivation and moderation.

Well, there is an upside. I have a job, and its in Brooklyn so I actually have to commute. Part of my commute to work consists of a LONG walk up Franklin Avenue. It's at least 10 - 15 minutes long depending on the speed and weather of my walking. There is also three LONG flights of stairs that I would have to climb to get to my office each day after entering the building. I was sweating the first time I did it. This will definately help.

I realize that a horse can be lead to water but, it can't be forced to drink. I am the horse that sips a little and then runs back into the same old routine. I remember when I was so focused on losing weight. I stuck to every fad diet and lost massive amounts of weight in weeks. I think its the boyfriend that keeps me from being so focused. Not that he tells me not to work out or anything, but the fact that he actually accepts me. It's like what does he care, he thinks I'm fabulous. Meanwhile, I'm being a bad steward, mistreating the temple of God, eating waaaay more than I have ever eaten and waaay later than I have ever eaten and become more larger than I have ever been. Not to say the fad and crash diets were any better, but it doesn't help either.

The other thing is my sleeping habits. They're horrible. Look, its 3:27 in the morning, and I am sitting here typing! What do YOU think I should be doing?! Exactly. My butt should be laid out. Not writing this blog. This job will also help re-adjust my sleep habits, because I have to be up at the crack of dawn so I can be to work on time. Lord help me! So when I sleep this late, I get up in the middle of the day, and don't eat anything until 4,5,6,7,8 o'clock when my acid reflux is burning profusely and eating a large, gaping hole in my stomach. I only would eat twice a day, and it would be both large meals. My second meal would be anywhere from 10 pm to 12 am. And no, I didn't eat any breakfast. Recipe for disaster, and a lot of weight gain.

Now that I have motivation to live again (ha), I won't be laying around like a vagabond anymore and sleeping reckless hours and treating my body recklessly. I hope. I know the first few weeks will be rough in readjustment,
but I can do this. I can do this.

I only have to lose ten inches or ten pounds or ten something. However you look at it, I have to lose weight. And I believe I can. I just have to call things like I see it and fix the situation around me. I can't cry and complain, and wonder why I am not built like my size four sister who never had a weight problem in her life or like any of my female cousins who all are pretty small in comparison. The Word of God speaks about comparing yourself to others, and according to It, it's not very wise.

Lately, I haven't been gaining any weight, or losing any for that matter. I had a small victory when I saw my size 16 jeans fit me properly, but I think maybe I fooled myself. Even if I did keep this weight off, seeing my waist measurement killed every other notion that I truly progressed. *sigh* I digress.

So its back to the old drawing board, I suppose. I still think I am going to make that goal of 10- 20 pounds by June, even before then.

PS I have to stop eating emotionally. Blah.

God bless you all!

-©D

"Hey yo, Romell!" is screamed down the block as I sit squashed up next to a dude in the back of a taxi cab as we sit in front of the said dude screaming down the block's house. He's holding the door open whilst yelling down the block (excuse the shakespearian term "whilst" I was reading a lot of King James Version scripture, and its just in there...my mind that is). He is holding the car door open in fifteen degree weather. The cab driver and her son, and me and the dude that I am all pressed against grumble as he holds the door open and yells down the block to his boy.

I roll my eyes and look at my palm pilot. I see the time, and realized I missed my train. Dang it. I won't be able to hand out love packets to the homeless this Valentines Day. This fool made me late. To make matters worse, we really all waisted our time: the driver sitting there, me and the dude already in the car squished up on each other to make room for this moron, and the moron himself yelling down the block. He decided that he would not even go with the cab and go with his homey that he was yelling at for more than ten minutes. What an idiot. He made me miss the train, and add grief to my day. I looked forward to handing out love packets this Valentine's Day. To the homeless, battered women. To minister the Gospel on a potential love day for self by sacrificing it for others. I chalk it all up to this idiot from the hood.

Ugh. As he slammed the door, I detach myself from the dudes side profile and slide to the other end of the car, apologizing for being so close to him for so long. And of course this fool going to say he didn't mind being pressed up against me at all. Ugh. Men.

I decide what I was going to do, since I can't go to the train station any more. The cab driver has already left my town, and was proceeding into Uniondale to go to Hempstead. Ugh. I can't tell her to turn around. I know this broad, she will charge me double fare.

On the way to Hempstead, this said broad, the cab driver and her son, no more than eight years old, in the front seat. They were talking about FINGER POPPING. That's right, I said it. FINGER POPPING. I mean who the hell talks to their eight year old kid about this stuff. And laughs about it! Me and the other passengers (by then we picked up one more) were looking at each other like WHAT THE SMURF!?

It gets better. She turns her head to us and is like, "If he was a girl I would kill him. I'm glad I don't have no girls. Boys make it easier for them to get away with stuff." I wondered if it ever occurred to her that having this conversation with a young child could actually be permanently damaging?! She then turns to him and says "You better not get no girl pregnant, you hear me?" The young boy laughs and responds "Why?" She tells him he's too young (well DUH) and that's not a good idea, or something lame. I think the young boy is a comedian. He responds to her "I'm going to ask her for some ID first before we do it." And everyone in the car laughs.

And we wonder why the black community is suffering the way it is. *sigh*

After that, I got depressed and blocked them out until I reached the train station. There is a sneaker store right across from the bus terminal there so I went to it. They had nothing in my size. Absolutely nothing! I wear a very common size! Like are you low on funds that you can't re-up your inventory so you can have sneakers in my size?! I was able to get a pair of Timbs (which like a silly, I scuffed already) and left with Joe. We ended up going to church. It was a better ending to my hood Valentine's day. The next day was better, and I had the best time with my Brown.

Sorry it took so long for you all to get the update. I have been very unmotivated, and just plain lazy. I have been reading all of you, and everything. Ugh, pray for me. Sometimes I feel so unmotivated with life, I just want to lay here and waste away. I really am praying to get a fulfilling job and not just something to do. I am tired of that. Really, after working for ten years (since I was 15) I would like to do something enjoyable. Something soon, please Lord.

Love you all.

-©D

"And oh, I'm into you and,
Girl no one else would do,
With every kiss and every hug,
You make me fall in love,
And now I know I can't be the only one,
I bet there's hearts all over the world tonight,
With the love of their life who feel--,
What I feel when I'm with you, with you, with you, with you, with you--girl,
With you, with you, with you, with you, with you-- "

- Chris Brown

He told me he loved me again. It feels brand new every time he says it.

He's been saying it for almost three years.

-©D

"It is raining,
All around me,
I can feel it,
It’s the latter rain,
Keep your eyes on Jesus,
Give us more rain,
Until we are wet and we are soaked in the latter rain...."
                                                                       -Unknown

I love this worship chorus. It just refreshes me spiritually. I am totally in love with the calypso beat of the song. It's a beautiful thing to worship God without having to destroy your cultural confines.

And it is...raining all around me, spiritually and naturally.

-©D

A lot of friends of mine have been calling on me for help. Relationship help. I'm guessing because I've been in one for over two years (longer than the national relationship average) I may qualify to give quality advice.

Or not.

Sometimes I sit on the phone or stare into my said sister's eyes only to hear them divulge to me the most painful things. They tell me how badly their boyfriend or significant other is treating them, and they want me to give them advice to change him, or "fix" the relationship. Honestly, the Jesus in me can't let me tell them its okay. I can't.

Like, I love you too much to see you hurting like this, and lie about it. I have to be honest.

I want to tell them that their "relationship" is in ruins. Scrap it. Go pray to Jesus and let Him heal their brokenness. That dude treats you like crap and you don't deserve it. Like, really. He acts like a complete jerk. I can't approve of this relationship.

But they want me to.

As soon as I open my mouth to tell them um, he may not be "the will of God", or  he may not be what they are looking for, hell, he may not even really like/love them, they flip on me like I am trying to hurt them or something.

I hear "Don't talk about my (fill in the blank, man, boyfriend, lover, etc) like that, you don't know him".

Apparently YOU do. You calling my phone to complain/get advice/receive vindication in order to maintain this "relationship" of sorts. Why call me? Do you think I am going to lie to you? Approve? Tell you its okay? I have never been dishonest concerning matters of the heart before, much less anything else. What made you think I would start now?

I mean the wake boyfriend/lover/significant other/dude that you think your talking to's actions speak louder than any weak line he may have used to get them to open your heart (or maybe even your legs). He is making you cry, constantly. He hurts your feelings, he treats you like crap, he's insensitive, he's unsaved, an atheist, a weed head, not trying to change his life, whatever, etcetera.  Considering all these things you may want to consider a new boyfriend. Or NO boyfriend right now, until you really sort out how your really feel or what you really want.

Okay, I know Joe and I have a "miracle" testimony of sorts. We were both backslidden "in the world" so to speak when we met. At first we didn't live the greatest lifestyle...AND the conviction of God got a hold of us and we decided to change who we are for the better, this is our story in a nutshell and we're still in the process of changing--we have a lot of things to work on. And we're BEST friends, AND we're MADLY in love with each other. I know how many people want and desire it. I say they can get it, but when its their time.

Therefore, firstly, you have NO idea how much work and sweat and tears and prayers has gone in for it to even work out like that. Secondly, we were BOTH out there sinning our souls and then we BOTH turned to Jesus together. No, I will not encourage you, my Born-Again sisteren (as opposed to brethren) to go pick up some "uncircumcised Philistine" bring him to God in utter disobedience in hopes that God will approve what He deemed sinful and you can continue on doing what you feel. Sorry, it just doesn't work like that. Thirdly, BOTH parties gotta want it, Joe and I hit some really rocky areas in our relationship (and we still do) but its not me crying and calling my friends to console me and give me advice on how to fix him. He's man enough to see he needs to fix himself! Fourthly, how often does this happen? Not often enough, we are the exception to the rule. Don't use us a springboard to jump off of, thanks. You're only going to be further getting yourself into MESS. Like come on ladies, do better, you deserve better.

NOW, I know, yes I know, not everyone that comes to me is a Christian, so I can't speak to them using Christian principles. I do tell them to use common sense. You can't call me up and cry about a dude that doesn't care about you and ask me how to make him care about you. Or tell me that you will still be with him in hopes that he will love you, or sleep with him continuously because you want to take him for what he's worth.

MESS. I mean really. Hot mess.

If dude acts like he doesn't care, take it at that. You can't make him care. Dude knows you are open to him and may just say the right things so you can keep giving him your right things as it goes around and around and around in a vicious circle.

And another thing. Please don't tell me you inlove with/serious with one dude and dump him in a week and then date another dude the next week and talk about the "intimate connection" you have with him and you only met him a week ago. I'm sure dude is really connected to what's between your legs and maybe your boobs more than anything else. Give me a break. Give yourself a break. Get some freaking self esteem ladies.

Demand what you want ladies. Don't settle for a useless dude doing nothing. There are many great men out there, they may not be in the Tae Diggs/Denzel Washington/Wesley Snipes/Will Smith/Morris Chestnut packaging that we may or may not desire, but there are decent men out there.

I can be honest and say at first my Brown Bear wasn't "my type" and neither was I "his type" but we met and were attracted and it worked, because we WANTED it to.

Beware of relationships that seem one sided, and you are doing all the work. It will drain you (as it already has been) and dude STILL won't want to fix things.

In time with Valentines Day, I want you ladies to really evaluate your relationships, because if it isn't worthwhile--STOP WAISTING YOUR TIME.

Jesus has better for you. I promise.

Oh, and trust. I used to be here. I was that girl crying about the same fool for five years thinking he will suddenly change into some night in shining armor and rescue me. No, he became a crack head and dropped out of school instead. You do the math. I am SO thankful for where Jesus brought me from. And thankful for my Brown . God knows what He did when I met him that night....

Happy Valentine's Day people. Remember, Jesus is the True Lover of your souls.

Love you all.

-©D

Misfit Ministry

I've actually become more desirous concerning blog writing. This whole week I wanted to write something, but I didn't know if my day or thought process was eventful enough to be worthwhile to any of my readership. By God its growing! I haven't seen more than three comments in over a year! That excites me. It encourages me to write again. I miss it a lot, as it missed me. This I am beginning to realize.

So, one thing about me is I always attract people that are especially difficult to deal with, as if God sent them to me to increase my patience stamina or something. They always want me to listen to their deep issues, and give them advice. The crazy thing is that is always the people that people can't deal with. The craziest personalities, the ones curt personalities, the ones with just plain ol' ISSUES. They LOVE me! I always have to sit down and hear them out. Support them when they are down on their luck. My boyfriend has chalked it up to the call on my life, he goes "It's your ministry, suck it up".  Honestly, I don't know what it is.

Lately, I have just been fed up with the whole lot of them! Well no, let me not say that. I used to take on every "charity case" as if they were my own blood sisters and brothers, work with them, take their three AM phone calls, lend/give (give because they never paid the money back) them money, edit their papers, listen to them for HOURS as I give them undivided attention, playing their therapists. Praying with people, crying with people, just doing virtually anything for these people. I became the Mother Theresa of all social misfits, giving them each a chunk of me.

I guess these people are drawn to the social misfit within myself. I swore I could be the poster child for rejection. Most of my teen and young adult life was completely awkward as I struggled to fit in anyway I can. In doing so, I made an even bigger mess of my life. However, praise be to God there was some intervention and some social reform. I mask my abnormality with my wit and pretty smile, but they all know better. I know what its like to be shoved in a locker, or at least part the way (it was too small). The scent of social misfit still lingers, and it attracts them. They want to be normal. They want to do this by living vicariously through me.

Lately, I've been wising up and sending them via prayer-mail to Jesus. 'Cause really, they can only live vicariously through Jesus. I mean really. The other thing that attracts them to me, and by far the even greater thing is the Anointing of God. The fact that this former misfit can even be reformed is through His healing touch. Through my Relationship with Jesus the Christ, I have been set free.

I realize that many are not set free. They're not delivered. They think they are but their demeanors reek of something else. The more I grow in age, the more I realize that people just have a hard time coping with rejection and hurt. They harbor it for years, biting their tongues and grinding their teeth in anguish. They want to find blame in everyone and everything for their inability to move on with their lives and to finally sleep with peace of mind. They blame their pasts, the present, the future, they blame the church, their families, their boyfriends, their husbands, their wives, their women, their mistresses,  their jobs, the lack of finding one, their education, their financial status, their everything. EVERYTHING.

The whole world is falling apart, and they are just miserable. Miserable.

I understand that things play a part in devaluing the quality of peoples lives. I've been there, done it all.  However, I am coming to grips with the truism, that you can't put your trust(read: value) in these things. They have happened, are happening, and will happen. Tragedy is one of the pillars of life, you aren't properly shaped without it. But you need to realize, that when you focus on these things...you become these things, the stench of tragedy becomes you. You are then crippled, to never walk again--let you focus on better things.

So I tell these hurting people who come to me with their many gripes to turn their eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face. I say to those who do not believe to try to embrace the idea that Someone actually made you and cares enough to even sacrifice His life  for you. I think once someone starts realizing that there is someone that you can pay mind to(read: worship) that is actually above all these things, the hurts and pains that detract you from fitting in with normality, with embracing society, with dealing with people properly. Someone actually was engulfed in all the pain that you were going to suffer, before you even suffered it.

Jesus didn't envision the whole world when He died for us. No. He embraced our sin, pain, and shame individually one by one. Imagine that. When He hung there, he bore every pain, sickness, and disease, every hurt, every lie, every abuse, every betrayal, every secret sin, every pretension, every attempt to try to be accepted, every rejection, every everything. He bore it. He bore yours. Before you were even born.

I think once that is established in a person's mind life becomes so much easier. Like wow. There is actually Someone bigger than this; I can give it to Him, and its alright; it will definately be all right.

I always said Jesus turned misfits/messes into masterpieces. Hey, look at me. I'm no Picasso, but I'm definately a work in progress. So, in service to Jesus the Christ, I embrace my task of bringing healing to the emotionally broken. Despite the craziness that it bring to my life, I accept the challenge of service. Thank You God for the opportunity to serve.

I leave these song lyrics with you and I pray to all who struggle with life that God gives you rest to your souls (Matt. 11).

Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of Earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s a light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of Earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

Through death into life everlasting
He passed, and we follow Him there;
Over us sin no more hath dominion—
For more than conquerors we are!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of Earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.

His Word shall not fail you—He promised;
Believe Him, and all will be well:
Then go to a world that is dying,
His perfect salvation to tell!

Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of Earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace."

                                        -Helen H. Lemmel (1922)

My Today My Today started off with my father waking me up at 8 am to ask me to wake my younger brother up and make sure he goes to class.Ugh. Lee's a grown man. He does not need me to get him up. I woke him up and went back to bed. Then someone else woke me up around 9 am to ask me if I was interested in an Account Director position in Uniondale, a town two minutes away. Of course I grunted yes, while slurring out my information. As soon as they hung up, I passed out again. Finally, my eyes opened around 1 PM, and I missed another call about an interview. I called him back. The person seemed too excited for my own good. He was busy and said he would call me. I guess I will call him again, in a few. I have an interview on Thursday, in Brooklyn. I pray this works out. I pray something works out. That anything works out. I feel desperate because my unemployment is about to run out, and as that day is encroaching they are sending me letters (the government of course) to appear to them for job placement. Ugh. Every time I go to the Dept. of Labor, it depresses me. Everyone there seems so down and out. One time I was there, I listened to this gentleman tell me a story about how he was stricken with cancer, lost his wife, and his job. I felt horrible for him and cried on the way home. I prayed and interceded for him that whole week. He was so sad. I pray he has a new job. I don't want them to place me anywhere. Ugh. They are so uncaring and lackluster. Ugh. Well, My Today is going pretty okay. Eating salad, and drinking water. About to take a shower, go vote, and go for a walk. Hopefully, I get so see my Brown today! I love my Joey Bear. Anyway, I'm going to get cracking on my job search. I pray My Today becomes more eventful. How's Your Today? -©D

Sisters from the Heart? One thing that will always get me in the kingdom of God is the unwillingness to help a sister or brother instead of just complaining, gossipping, or "tattle taling" against them. Everyone knows how to point fingers how to say certain things aren't right behind their backs. Of course they all chalk it up to "just giving their opinion" or "just doing what is right". Whatever. If you really loved ur sis or bro, you would give THEM your opinion or tell THEM what's right. I mean really, its only scriptural (read Matt18)--that's only right. *sigh* Now see, all that talking hurt someone and their reputation. And I bet all that was said isn't even true. I hope yall are satisfied. PS This is not directed at anyone in particular. I just needed to vent. -©D